Dreaming

I’m falling asleep again.
It cost me everything to wake
and now sleep is coming again.
Once my eyes close, will I
remember what I dreamed
while I was awake?

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Reason

I want to see you
I need to look into your eyes
and know that this is not only
some drunken skype thing
some sweet madness
I need to see your eyes
without wine
or skype
because I want to trust you.
Choose you, like you already chose me
like some corner of your heart
puzzled us both mightily by choosing me
and didn’t we do well?
to honour it
even if we needed wine
to listen to that voice
that most sane delusion
whispering “trust him. trust her”
both crazy enough to listen
even if only at night.
Didn’t we do well? That
voice is life, that madness
is love, that doesn’t need
a reason.
And now my 3am voice is saying
you might be the one
to know.
I don’t know why I care if anyone ever
knows. If I care. But
you might join me here
in this loneliness and this indifference
not to fill it. Just to see it. So
I want to lay it all out for you
because you might take the opportunity
to not hurt me. If you
turn around, walk away, and live;
I will know that somebody saw
and somebody knew. Without needing a reason.

Stolen

It’s awkward
I hadn’t imagined
I might live
I didn’t know
Some animal part of me
fought against
my unimaginable end
and this is how it goes
I thought
this brute
this encasement
of flesh and pumping
heart
will insist
will continue
and carry me along with it
fainting and weeping
like an unwilling bride
thrown across the pommel
I’ll be stolen
and grow accustomed
to life
I thought.
I thought I knew
that I would live
but I didn’t know
I never imagined it
and now what next?
I want to go back
to my stern father
the guillotine
to what’s known
and true.
Take me back
please
so I know what’s true
again.